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09/17/2005 Archived Entry: "how government agencies would respond to Katrina"

I blame the late night pizza and resulting indigestion. That's why I woke up this morning thinking about how various government departments would have handled Katrina. (Warning: black humor.)

Postal Service - Takes two weeks to deliver supplies to New Orleans; 10% of the supplies are lost. Nevertheless, demands that no private firm be allowed to deliver supplies. Recipients must wait in line for hours at a few inconvenient offices to receive their supplies. A few postal workers fire guns at recipients. Asks for a postage increase.

NASA - Evacuates New Orleans for two years while they study the problem. Eventually, rebuilds the levees exactly as before, but installs a network of television cameras to watch the levees. As soon as the city is repopulated, the levees leak again. Asks for more money.

FDA - Same as NASA, except 10 years, no television cameras, and when the levees leak, sues the levee manufacturer and demands that all cities with levees be closed.

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) - Requires all evacuees to pass through a metal detector and remove their shoes for inspection. Evacuees without shoes, not covered by regulations, are required to stay in the city. Maintains a secret "no-evacuate" list. Asks for more money.

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATF) - Surrounds New Orleans with snipers and shoots anyone attempting to escape. Eventually requests military support to bomb the city with napalm. Afterwards finds some unregistered firearms in the rubble; officially exonerated for its actions. Asks for more money.

Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac - lobby to create "Cindy Lou", the National Disaster Loan Unit (NDLU), specializing in zero-down-payment, below-prime loans to homes likely to be destroyed in five years or less. In ten years, amasses a portfolio of $500 billion in loans. Insists it doesn't need a bailout.

Child Protective Services (CPS) - removes all the children of New Orleans from their parents, on the grounds that their parents are unable to provide a safe and clean home. Relocates the children to foster homes in Baghdad. Asks for payment for each child relocated.

CIA - Sends covert operatives to 20 other American cities to report on the water level. Concludes that there is no flood risk. Asks that its budget be secretly increased.

Congress - Holds six months of hearings to investigate the problem, finally placing blame on some low-level staff workers at the NOAA. Passes new legislation banning hurricanes from entering the continental U.S. Votes itself a pay raise.

Supreme Court - Concludes that hurricanes are an Act of God, and by a 5-4 vote, bans them from federal property and public schools. The dissenting opinion holds that it should be up to the states to decide if they want hurricanes in their schools.

FEMA - See Postal Service.

—brad