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06/06/2005 Archived Entry: ""

Thanks to Erin for the "Best Of" from The Revised Devil's Dictionary. Click on "more" for "Best Of"...

conservative n. One who has raised selfishness to the level of an art form. See liberal.

liberal n. One who has elevated whining to the level of self-avowed sainthood. See conservative.

radical n. Any person two steps to the political left of the speaker, unless the speaker is under twenty, in which case the person must also be under twenty, make more than one million a year, and know at least 3 chords, none of which are Minor 7ths Similar to way cool, which has nothing to do with distance, temperature, or the ability to read.

socialist n. A person who believes that people have an intrinsic right to the necessities of life. Socialism comes in a variety of degrees, ranging from the rightist socialism of 1930’s Germany (Necessities: beer, bread, and bonfires), the mainstream socialism of England (Necessities: beer, bread, soccer, and post-soccer health care), to the leftist socialism of Sweden (Necessities: beer, broads, and soccer, pre & post beer, broads, and soccer health care). Russian socialism, though a failed venture, had the necessities pegged as vodka, tobacco, and detox.

anarchist n. A person who believes that all government is dishonest, corrupt, and intrinsically unfair. In other times, this has been called wisdom.

fascist n. Any person who is two steps to the political right of the speaker, unless the speaker is an anarcho-syndicalist, in which case, everyone is a fascist.

electoral college n. 18th Century Exit Polling.

diversity, celebration of phr. A compulsory philosophic belief, that life and society are enriched by heterogenic mixing and variety in thought. The ideally diverse state would have all people culturally, linguistically, religiously, morally, and ethically in complete disagreement.